The Key Points
- Depression has clear causes. It numbs other emotions (above all anger), based on the belief that he cannot bear them or cannot change certain situations. It usually stems from “learned helplessness”: the belief that he has to put up with things and cannot say no. This kind of numbing “helps” him cope. But it creates massive hidden resentment out of this victim position.
- What helps are clear boundaries and repeated invitations to seek help. Working out solutions together rarely works. You are then perceived as part of a system of constraints.
- Depression in men rarely looks like sadness. It shows up as irritability, withdrawal and overtime.
- Imagine, for example, that your husband doesn’t like his job, he even hates it. But he believes he can’t find another job that would support the family. This is a classic depressive situation: anger has to be suppressed to keep the status quo. Otherwise he might explode at his boss. The same principle applies to relationships and other situations. There are things his partner asks of him that he doesn’t want to do. But he believes he can’t handle the conflict, or that he would lose the relationship. And so a hidden resentment towards others grows.
- If your partner takes his anger out on you, you are rarely the cause. You are simply the place where it feels safe enough to take the lid off his anger. That isn’t fair, but I see it again and again.
- “Are you depressed?” is the wrong question. Ask him where he feels pressure, compulsion, helplessness, powerlessness and obligation. But don’t be alarmed if anger, powerlessness and fear come up. When you ask, you need to be able to “hold” that.
- Stop trying to be his therapist. You are his partner, not his therapist. But in open moments you can strongly and repeatedly encourage him to see a therapist.
- Be aware that a transference of his relationship with his mother is often at play. Depression involves regression, meaning a return to childlike patterns. This often makes it extremely hard to work out constructive solutions together. That is why professional help is often so important.
- You don’t have to accept angry outbursts. Clear boundaries help him more than seemingly limitless understanding.
Depression in Men: Symptoms You Should Know
Your husband probably won’t cry. He will function. He will work more, drink more, exercise more(!), spend more time on his phone. And he will explode more quickly. The classic signs of depression, such as low mood, lack of joy and lack of drive, are there in many men. But they lie beneath a layer of activity and irritability.
(Scientific sources: see references at the end of the article.)
Anger at His Partner: Why He Snaps at You of All People
A dishwasher loaded the wrong way. A question at the wrong moment. And he flares up, loud and out of proportion. Ten minutes later he is sitting silently in his study. The next morning he acts as if nothing happened, or he apologises sheepishly and feels ashamed.
Imagine a garden hose that someone kinks. The water doesn’t stop flowing, it builds up. That is exactly how suppressed anger works. All day long he swallows it down: the boss, the customers, the pressure, his parents, the children, his own doubts. At home, where it is safe, the hose gives way. You get what has built up with others.
The man who never raises his voice, never says no and always answers “it’s fine” is often deeper in depression than the man who explodes now and then. Anger is emotional energy. It can be used to tackle things. Used correctly and in a controlled way, it turns into courage: he sets boundaries, makes decisions, stands up for himself. Suppressed, it turns into paralysis. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with everything. Understanding does not mean letting yourself be shouted at.
Depression and Your Relationship: What It Does to Both of You
Depression creeps into a relationship without knocking. Conversations revolve around organisation: who picks up the kids, who pays the bill? Tenderness becomes rarer, sex disappears. You feel like a flatmate who happens to live with a brooding or absent man.
Depression doesn’t just numb sadness and anger. It numbs everything: joy, desire, closeness, even his love for you. Many men who are stuck in depression simply feel nothing anymore and draw the wrong conclusion from it. There is no guarantee that his feelings will come back. But it is a good reason not to make big decisions in the middle of a depression. A mistake I see again and again: the partner becomes the therapist. She reads self-help books, analyses, asks questions, looks for appointments, makes suggestions. It is meant lovingly and almost always backfires. He feels like a patient, like a son. And you feel increasingly frustrated.
Depression in Men over 40, 50 and 60
Certain phases of life are particularly tricky for men. The old image of himself no longer holds, and a new one isn’t there yet.
In his early 40s, career, young children, a mortgage and perhaps already ill parents all run at the same time. Then there is the quiet question: Is this it? There is an inner emptiness. From 50, he takes stock. The career has peaked, the children move out, relatives die. Many of my clients report deaths in the period before they started therapy. From 60, retirement takes away the most important source of structure and recognition. A man without friendships outside work is suddenly on his own. Loneliness and social losses make men particularly vulnerable (Möller-Leimkühler, 2003). This is often when you are the only one who notices something.
Why He Hides His Depression from You: The Nice Guy
In my opinion, many men suffer from a lack of orientation. They are supposed to be sensitive partners and at the same time strong, successful and driven. They are supposed to be assertive, but please not aggressive. They should set boundaries, but gently. Whoever tries to please everyone loses himself. This is called the “Nice Guy” pattern: being good, not making waves, functioning, never being a burden to anyone. Many men learned this as children, and back then it helped them. As adults, it leads straight into depression. And his partner loses respect for him, even to the point of contempt. She doesn’t feel protected or supported by him and doesn’t know where he stands. He is like an amoeba, like jelly. Emotionally flat, neither hot nor cold. Insecure and childlike.
Many women wish for a man who shows his feelings. And then they are alarmed when the first feeling that comes up is anger. Or fear. Or helplessness. Many men have learned: I’m allowed to feel, but only the pleasant feelings. In the past, his mother couldn’t cope with anything else. If your partner admits to you for the first time that he is afraid or doesn’t know how to go on, that is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of trust. Handle it with care. Research supports this picture. The more rigidly men cling to the norm “I have to manage this on my own”, the worse their mental health and the less often they seek help (Wong et al., 2017).
And You? Why You Need to Look After Yourself First
It is not your job to heal him. You can make the path to help easier for him. But he has to walk it himself. That sounds harsh, but it is liberating, for both of you. A man whose partner takes everything off his hands loses his last sense of being able to make a difference himself, which makes the underlying problem worse. And a woman who carries everything will eventually break down. So get support for yourself: friends who listen, counselling of your own, a helpline or a psychotherapist. In Germany, for example, the Info-Telefon Depression of the Stiftung Deutsche Depressionshilfe is available on 0800 33 44 533. And set boundaries. Boundaries are not a punishment. For many men, they are the first clear hold in a long time.
How I Work with Men
In my work, we talk little about the past. We work on what is stuck: suppressed anger, fear, grief. My clients learn to feel these emotions in the body and let them go, using the Sedona Method. The raw energy of anger turns into courage. Add to that small daily exercises, one percent every day. Big breakthroughs come from many small steps. At the same time, we practise genuine forgiveness: letting go of painful episodes from the past. The past can only harm us if we hold on to it! If your partner is ready to take a look at this: in a free trial session, we explore in practice whether the method suits him.
You can read more about me and my own way out of depression here.
References
- Möller-Leimkühler, A. M. (2003). The gender gap in suicide and premature death or: Why are men so vulnerable? European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 253(1), 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00406-003-0397-6
- Wong, Y. J., Ho, M.-H. R., Wang, S.-Y., & Miller, I. S. K. (2017). Meta-analyses of the relationship between conformity to masculine norms and mental health-related outcomes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(1), 80–93. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000176
Depression is a serious illness and should always be checked by a doctor as well. Never stop taking medication without talking to your doctor. If your partner is thinking about suicide or you are in an acute crisis yourself, please contact your local emergency number immediately (112 in Europe, 911 in the US) or a crisis line in your country. In Germany, the Telefonseelsorge is available free of charge around the clock on 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222.